Back in the Red Part I
The show opens with Lister and a living non-hologrammic Rimmer(!!!) arguing in a jail cell. The rest is told in flashbacks...
As we remember from Nanarchy, the Nanites reconstructed Red Dwarf, and the happy crew of Starbug (Kochanski, Lister, Kryten, Cat, and Holly) were flying towards it--only to discover that the Nanites had rebuilt the Dwarf several times larger than it was supposed to be! So Starbug flies in and gets sucked into a hugely oversized air vent...only to find that Red Dwarf is shrinking back to its original size! After a race against time, Starbug crashes in the cargo bay. They are met by Chen and Selby, two of Lister's old drinking buddies from the Dwarf! The entire Red Dwarf crew was resurrected by the Nanites along with the ship! Lister is ecstatic.
Then Captain Holister shows up and puts Lister under arrest for stealing (and crashing) a Starbug, flying without a pilots' license, and, with Kochanski's help, smuggling aboard two stowaways. The entire crew faces a potential sentence of two years in the brig.
Lister is confined to quarters--his old quarters, the ones he used to share with Rimmer...and guess who shows up? Rimmer is very happy Lister is going to get his comeuppance. Lister explains what had happened--the crew died and was brought back to life three million years later by little tiny robots. He asks Rimmer to help him find the Nanos to cooberate his story. Rimmer, of course, refuses... till later, when Lister offers him information from the crew's confidential files. Rimmer could blackmail his way up the chain of command!
The rest of our crew is in trouble as well. Cat is being studied by a medical team, because of his unusual physiology; and Kryten gets evaluated by the ship's psychiatric counselor. The counselor believes Kryten is crazy and sentences him to be restored to factory settings. This would wipe out Kryten's personality!
We learn that the entire Red Dwarf crew, including the Captain, are mystified as to how they got all the way out in deep space, and how Red Dwarf's design was reset to its original design specs before budget cutbacks shut things down. It's quite a mystery...
Meanwhile, Rimmer investigates Starbug's remains. He finds the disk with the confidential files on it--as well as the sexual magnitism and luck viruses from Quarantine. He drinks a little of the sex mag virus...and is elated to discover it works!
Episode Quote:" The world loves a bastard!"
Back in the Red Part II
Captain Holister seems to be impressed with Rimmer's performance lately. He's handing in reports on how to improve Red Dwarf safety, and being unusually attentive and observant. He asks Rimmer if he would post a letter for him; Rimmer agrees, seals the envelope and gets ready to leave...until he notices his name on the envelope. Rimmer has been invited to sit at the Captain's table at a special supper! Not since gazpacho soup day has there been such an occurrence!
Meanwhile, Kryten is upset. He has been temporarily classified as a woman because of his lack of...well, you know. He is given quarters with Kochanski till the next day, when he will be restored to factory settings. Kochanski urges Kryten to refuse, and, if he feels intimidated, to imagine his persecutors on the loo.
Lister, Kochanski, Kryten, and Cat are brought before a board of inquiry. They agree to undergo a mind scan, which uses psychotropic drugs to record a subject's thoughts for viewing by the board. So they sign the consent forms, seal them in the envelopes, and are told they will be tried the next day.
Rimmer comes to visit Lister in his holding cell--to gloat that his plan is working perfectly, and he's reneging on his deal with Lister. Since he got the disks and the positive viruses, he doesn't need Lister anymore. He leaves Lister to his fate. Only Lister managed to run his finger along the tops of the tubes, snagging some of both viruses! He uses the luck virus to escape his cell and find Kochanski...
Kryten is informed that if he is restored to his factory settings, he may go free; otherwise, he will face charges along with the others. He tries to say "No", but can't...so he grabs a guard's gun, takes everyone hostage, forces them into the bathroom, and makes them sit on the toilet. Aided by this visualization, Kryten then refuses the mind wipe, but is assaulted by guards and is reset to his original settings anyway.
At the Captain's special dinner, Rimmer is distinguishing himself in more than one way--he made sure to take a swig of the sexual magnetism virus before he began! All of the women at the table are extremely aroused by him, and, one by one, have sex with Rimmer in the Captain's galley during the meal.
Lister and Kochanski find Cat, and go on a search for Kryten...only to find him dusting corridors. They realize his brain has been wiped! Panicked, they look for a disguise, which Cat finds in a set of old black mopheads and false buck teeth--the Dibbley family! A group of guards show up looking for them, but the disguises work. Kryten then enters, and his memory is jogged by the Dibbley costumes, and his files recorrupt! Kryten's personality is restored. Our Holly announces a prisoner sighting, and the guards rush away.
A very tired, achy Rimmer learns from the Captain that Lister, Cat, Kochanski, and Kryten are undergoing psychotropic testing. They are actually wired up to a virtual reality mainframe, all of their thoughts and actions recorded by the Captain! Rimmer panics, because if word gets out that he had an agreement with Lister to help Lister escape in return for confidential information, he could be in big trouble. Doubled over in pain, he excuses himself to try and fix this mess.
Rimmer makes his way to a medi-bay, and injects his groin with anesthetic in order to regain some control over his libido. Except he forgets that the anesthetic would affect his legs as well, so now he can't walk very well.
Kryten, Kochanski, Cat, Lister, and skutters, each in their own Dibbley disguises, make their way through the ship and to freedom...
Episode Quote: "The only mechanoids to be issued with genitals were the ones created to work on Italian starships. It was thought they could acclimatize themselves better if they could mimic their Italian crewmates and stand around cupping themselves all day."
Back in the Red Part III
We learn from Captain Hollister that Kochanksi, Lister, Cat, and Kryten are indeed immersed in psychotropic virtual reality in order to test the veracity of their statements. Hollister is also suspicious concerning Rimmer, believing his 180 degree turn from complete smeghead to helpful officer may be due to Rimmer having access to the crew's confidential files, as well as the luck and sexual magnetism viruses.
Immersed in virtual reality, our crew (and two skutters) have managed to get a hold of a Blue Midget; all that remains is to talk Ground Control into letting them fly. Cat, seeing that the Ground Control officer was a beautiful woman, gets out of the ship, and proceeds to do an impressive mating dance with Blue Midget for the Controller's benefit. Suitably impressed, she lets them fly...
Rimmer, still in a panic that the Captain might discover his agreement with Lister, uses his confidential information to blackmail the man guarding the AR suite into leaving for 5 minutes. Rimmer then hacks into the system and erases all mention of the agreement between himself and Lister from the records. The crew on board the AR Blue Midget notices that bits of time are missing, and realize that they are undergoing psychotropic testing--the glue they licked on the envelopes when they signed the waivers must have contained the drug! Lister realizes that Rimmer is screwing around with the AR units, and they all frantically search for the 'trap door' exit. Cat finds it, and they escape back to reality...and to Rimmer.
Kochanski finds herself a victim of Rimmer's sexual magnetism, till the luck virus cures him. The crew talk Rimmer into joining their escape, and, after blasting out of the cargo bay on yet another Blue Midget, learn from Holly that they are still in AR!
So Lister, Rimmer, Kochanski, Cat, and Kryten are, by their actions during the psychotropic testing, all exonerated of stealing Starbug...but are sentenced to two years in the brig for abusing classified information, a charge of which they are all guilty.
Episode Quote: "I want his babies!"
Cassandra
Lister signs himself, Arnold, Kryten, Cat, and Kochanski up for the "Canaries", a highly privileged lot which he believes is the prison singing group. They are actually named after the canaries coal miners used to send down the shafts to check for deadly fumes. It is the Canaries' job to go into dangerous situations, see if they can remain alive, and make it safe for the important people.
Their first assignment is to investigate a ship found submerged in an ocean planet without a crew, and see if whatever ate the crew is still there. In the ship, Kochanski manages to locate the mainframe. Its name is Cassandra, and it can predict the future with an accuracy of 100 percent. The ship was actually abandoned by the Space Corps, who could not handle Cassandra. Cassandra then informs them that the bulkheads have given way, the ship is sinking, and the entire crew with the exception of Rimmer will be dead within an hour. Rimmer, she says, will die in just under twenty minutes of a heart attack brought about from learning he is about to die. Only Lister, Kochanski, Cat, and Kryten survive.
Arnie, using the power of his ignorance, realizes that Cassandra never called him "Rimmer" at any time during their exchange--she only referred to him as "Arnold". It must be somebody else who she is told is Rimmer that dies of a heart attack! Rimmer picks out a likely candidate, a fellow Canary named Knot, gives Knot his monogrammed Canary jacket, and brings Knot/Rimmer to Cassandra. And, as Cassandra said, upon learning he was to have a heart attack and die, the man with "Rimmer" on his jacket died of a heart attack. Arnie is elated, until Cassandra reminds him that he is going to die too, along with the rest of the crew. Lister, Kochanski, Kryten, and Cat try to protect Rimmer and belay the prophesy by getting him safely to the diving bell, but Rimmer and Kochanski get separated from the group anyway. They are trapped in the bowels of the ship with Cassandra. Cassandra informs them that Arnie will die while making love to Kochanski when Lister walks in on them and shoots Arnie with a harpoon gun.
Rimmer is, needless to say, ecstatic.
Kochanski is, needless to say, horrified.
Back in the diving bell, Lister grabs a hold of a harpoon gun, and heads back to the ship
to rescue Kochanski...
Kochanski and Rimmer take refuge in an old storage room. Kochanski refuses to give in to fate--but everything seems to be against her, leaving her naked and shivering under blankets next to Arnie. Just as Arnie is going in for the kill, Lister barges in, brandishing his harpoon gun. To everyone's surprise, he does not kill Arnie. Lister explains that he knows what's going on. Cassandra didn't really see Lister kill Arnie, but she told Kochanski and Arnie she did so that Kochanski would feel sorry for Arnie and hopefully sleep with him as punishment for Lister...
...Because Cassandra has always known Lister would kill her.
Lister confronts Cassandra. He tells her he doesn't believe in pre-determinism smeg, and that he will not kill Cassandra. As he leaves the room, he pulls a piece of gum out of his mouth and sticks it on the wall...which starts a chain reaction that blows up Cassandra.
Episode Quote: "This is the first time I've ever been seduced using pre-determinism theory."
Krytie TV
Lister and Rimmer are really excited--Lister has been offered an appeal! He must remain on his absolute best behavior in order for the appeal to go through, which, hopefully, will benefit Rimmer, Kochanski, Kryten, and Cat as well!
Meanwhile, Kryten is still classified as a woman. He is ashamed and bored, because (as he tells the male Canaries) he is forced to shower with the women three times a week. One of the Canaries, Killcrazy, asks Kryten if he wouldn't mind sneaking a camera into the women's shower for his benefit. Rimmer (surprisingly) objects, stating that it might ruin their chance for an appeal; Kryten is against the idea from the very beginning, because it would be morally wrong. Perhaps that's why he's mugged back on board Red Dwarf...
Wednesday's B-movie extravaganza is interrupted by a live video feed from Kryten...in the women's shower! To the delight of his audience, Kryten announces Krytie TV's Live Women's Shower Night, a pay-per-view event. Lister realizes Killcrazy must have gotten to Kryten and reprogrammed him! He and Rimmer, thinking of their appeal, try to leave, but once Kryten's modified optical receptors catch Kochanski on camera, neither one of them can move...
Lister goes to confront Kryten, to explain to him that he's been reprogrammed to act like a ruthless entrepreneur, but Kryten doesn't care. Kochanski shows up, and Kryten gives her a present for use in the shower--a waterproof pogo stick. Lister, disgusted, spills the beans to Kochanski. Kochanski, enraged, tells the rest of the girls, who band together, and, according to Kryten, reprogram him and kick him out. Kryten is now classified as a male.
Kryten also bears other news--Kochanski has gotten back together with her ex-boyfriend Tim, the one she dumped Lister for! Kryten has an idea, though--Lister and Rimmer can sneak into Tim's quarters and sabotage the date by making Tim seem like a total slob!
So Lister and Rimmer sneak into Tim's quarters through the air vents, and leave things around--Morris Dancer Monthly magazine on the coffee table, a half-eaten onion sandwich behind a cushion, unfashionable underwear on his bed, crumbs on his sheets, Christian rock in the CD player...and Lister's pubic hair on the bathroom soap.
Lister and Rimmer, satisfied, exit Tim's quarters...only to learn that Kryten set them up! They didn't trash Tim's quarters, they trashed Mr. Ackerman's, the brig officer! Kryten taped the whole thing for his pay-per-view Krytie TV audience! Lister and Rimmer frantically return to Ackerman's quarters and clean up...and then take revenge on Kryten.
Back in their cell, Lister and Rimmer receive notice about Lister's appeal. He won! Rimmer is ecstatic...till he learns that Lister put his appeal in to allow him strings on his guitar, not to free them early...
Episode Quote: "Gentlemen, allow me to clarify my position. Morally speaking, using a hidden camera in the women's showers, taking shots of them sudsing themselves with mounds of foam, without their permission, morally speaking--I'm speaking morally, here--I'm all in favor!"
Pete Part I
Captain Hollister has called Lister and Rimmer out on the carpet again, this time for playing a prank on Mr. Ackerman. For punishment, Lister and Rimmer must form a team of inmates and play basketball against Mr. Ackerman and a team of guards. They will be humiliated and likely beaten up by the rest of the inmate population.
The game goes badly until half-time, when Lister and Rimmer's plan is put into action. Before the game, they had spiked the guard's juice with a male virility drug that guarantees at least seven hours of "excitement". Now the guards can't even stand up straight! Neither can Hollister, once he takes a sip...
Angered, Hollister puts Lister and Rimmer on spud duty. Lister gets in touch with Bob the Skutter, who, apart from providing Lister with gormet meals and the virility drug, can get them a programmable virus from the science block. Once they program the virus to eat potato skins, their job will be a cinch!
On a Canary mission, Kochanski, Cat, and Kryten happen upon survivors on a derelict. They are alive, but motionless, and holding a strange device labeled "Tempus" ("Time" in Latin). Kryten realizes it is a "time wand" which is capable of storing time on a hard disk, then uploading it to whatever one wanted. It can also change time periods on specific objects--for example, restyling Kochanski's hair to a 1960's type style, or regressing Kochanski and Cat back to children. This device, they realize, can cause their prison time to pass in seconds! They sneak it back to the Dwarf....
Back on spud duty, Lister and Rimmer wait for the virus to take effect. It does...but a little too well! The virus starts to eat not only potato peels, but Lister and Rimmer's clothes and hair, leaving them naked and bald. After accidentally passing the virus onto the Captain, they are sentenced to "The Hole", where they meet a man called Birdman and his pet sparrow named Pete. Bob the Skutter helps them escape, but they are surprised to see that all of the crew members are motionless. Bob leads them to the cargo bay where Kochanski, Kryten, and Cat are eating a fancy dinner. They explain the Time Wand and give Listy and Rimmsey their hair back. Then Birdman realizes that Pete is dead! Meaning to be helpful, Kryten adjusts the Time Wand to bring Pete back to life, but ends up de-evolutionizing him to a T-Rex instead! Pete eats the Birdman, and the others run for their lives...
Episode Quote: "Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!"
Pete Part II
Picking up where Pete Part I left off, Kryten tries to distract Pete the T-Rex, tossing the Time Wand to Bob the Skutter for safety. However, Pete swallows Bob and the Time Wand whole! Panicked, the crew takes off and hides. Then Kochanski has a great idea--if Pete eats some roughage, he will pass Bob and the Time Wand through his system quickly. So Lister concocts a HUGE, really hot vindaloo, which Pete eats...till the spices affect his stomach! He runs away whimpering. Our crew is then cornered by Red Dwarf guards, who had accidentally been unfrozen by Bob in Pete's stomach.
Called out onto the carpet once again, Captain Hollister tells them exactly how upset he is. In an effort to cool his mouth down, Pete had eaten all of the mint-chocolate ice cream, all of the orange ice pops, and drunk all of the Coca-Cola. Because of this, Pete's stomach went into overdrive--a burp took out an entire platoon, his vomit nearly drowned five officers, and the resulting tidal wave from the other end typhooned the troops trying to sneak up from behind. Hollister himself was hit on the head by Bob the Skutter upon his exit from Pete. Since nobody else knows how to use the Time Wand, Hollister charges Lister and Rimmer with turning Pete back into a sparrow.
So the Canaries head out to take care of Pete. Baxter (a tough inmate) and Killcrazy state that they are going to fight the T-Rex in hand-to-hand combat, and steal the Time Wand to prevent the others from interfering. After turning themselves into apes, the others recover the Time Wand and, after restoring Birdman, turn Pete back into a sparrow. They destroy the Time Wand..and then find a hatching dinosaur egg, which waddles off to give Hollister the shock of his life...
Episode Quote: "A seven-ton Theropod is not going to eat Indian food. They like flesh. Preferably living, liberally coated in blood with a side order of intestines, and an extra portion of blood. A bit like the French in that respect."
Only the Good
This could be the last episode of Red Dwarf ever....
An escape pod from the SS Hermes carries not only a lone survivor, but a chameleonic microbe (a shape changing wierd space thing). When the pod is brought aboard the Dwarf, the microbe begins to eat through the ship...
Rimmer is trying to earn brownie points by catering to Hollister while he (the Captain) is sick. Sucking up isn't doing much good, especially after Hollister informs Rimmer he is just not officer material. Then the survivor of the SS Hermes enters--it is a beautiful woman named Talia who is apparently on VERY friendly footing with Captain Hollister! Rimmer is dismissed, and goes to gripe to a food dispenser while stealing candy bar from it. The dispenser (voiced by Tony Slattery of "Whose Line is it Anyway?" fame) starts to shout an alert, and proceeds to get into an argument with Rimmer. The dispenser vows to destroy Rimmer for stealing candy. Rimmer flippantly answers that on that day, he'll be captain of this ship.
Meanwhile, Lister pulls a prank on Kryten involving Kochanski, tampons, and a big congratulations banner (must be seen to be believed, it is very funny). Kochanski and Kryten think of a revenge plan...
Ten minutes before a cell inspection, a timer in Lister and Rimmer's cell goes off. It indicates a note under the chessboard that states that Kochanski and Kryten have stolen Baxter's stash of homemade alcohol and hidden it in Lister and Rimmer's shower! Panicked, the twosome try to dump the hooch down the sink and toilet, but the tank is full(?? I don't understand how that can be, myself, but I guess it was to move the plot along. Maybe it's a British thing? Explanations appreciated). They must drink the bootleg hooch.
One sip and five minutes ssschhhhhlater, Lister and Rimmer are completely trashed. Mr. Ackerman, seeing they are drunk, sends them to the medibay to get their stomachs pumped. Meanwhile, Baxter makes menacing statements to Kochanski, Cat, and Kryten regarding Rimmer and Lister, threatening to crush them for stealing his bootleg. They all must get out of there! After sneaking out of the medibay, they learn that the chameleonic microbe has begun to eat Red Dwarf! Instead of escaping, they instead go back to report the problem. They are rewarded by being forced to stay behind on the Dwarf while all of the officers escape on the limited escape pods.
Anxious to reverse the microbe, our protagonists realize they must find an antidote. Where better to discover such a thing than in...ta-DA! A mirror universe! Kryten (finds, makes?) a machine that can transport them into such a universe, and aims it at a mirror in the Captain's quarters. But once Rimmer steps through, the machine fails, trapping him...
A knock at the door sounds. Rimmer gets under the bedcovers, and in shuffles Hollister, taking on Rimmer's role as suck-up! After debasing Hollister, Rimmer is interrupted by the beautiful Talia entering his quarters. He dismisses Hollister and gives Talia a good hard snog--till she, disgusted and incredulous, informs Rimmer she is his sister! Shocked, Rimmer fakes unconsciousness and tells his "sis" that's he's all better now, tweaking her nose playfully in the process. Angry, she gathers herself up and states she is SISTER Talia Garrett, his spiritual advisor! Talia runs off, whimpering.
Rimmer heads down to the science block to find a cure for the microbe. A scientist who bears a striking resemblance to Cat provides him with the name of the antidote; Rimmer then heads back to his own universe to save the Dwarf.
Upon re-entering the Dwarf (the machine apparently started to work again), Rimmer learns that the Captain's quarters are empty--the others have gone, and the ship is exploding around him! he rushes out and learns from the annoying food dispenser that the others had fixed the machine and crossed over into the mirror universe. He was alone on the ship...so Rimmer was now technically Captain. And the formula Cat the Scientist provided Rimmer with is now the name of the microbe, not its cure, now that Rimmer has left the mirror universe.
The dispenser launches a can of soda at Rimmer's head, knocking him to the ground as the ship goes up in flames. The dark-hooded figure of Thanatos slowly walks through the corridor...calling Rimmer to the Afterlife. Rimmer clasps his hand, stands up...
...and knees Death in the groin, running down the corridor exclaiming, "Only the good die young."
Episode Quote: " Well, are you sure you have time for this, ma'am? I realize the next few days are very special for you. Don't you want to be playing tennis a lot in tight white jeans? Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that. And not forgetting all that blue stuff you've got to pour over things."