Back to Reality
The boys find a derelict seeding ship, the Esperanto, floating in the ocean of a planet. Its objective was to speed up the evolutionary process on that planet...which they did. They got five million years of evolution in three solar years. But even though this ocean should have been teeming with life forms, there are none to be seen.
Kryten, Lister, and Cat find the remains of bodies in the ship. Whoever these people were, they committed suicide! Even a creature similar to a haddock voluntarily closed its own gills. Everything is a mystery...until Lister finds a sticky, inky substance that Kryten discovers is a hallucinogenic venom secreted by a creature similar to the octopus or squid. The boys rush aboard the ship to take a mood stabilizer, as the venom is a depressant and probably what led the people aboard the Esperanto to kill themselves. The boys are sucking lithium carbonate when a blob appears on the radar...it is a giant squid that presumably infected the Esperanto with its hallucinogenic ink! The boys run for it, but a black inky cloud envelops them, and they crash into an underwater cavern...and explode.
The boys wake up to a voice telling them that for the last four years they have been playing the Total Immersion Video Game Red Dwarf, and that their real-life memories would return in a few minutes. The boys release themselves from the AR units, and find a surprise--"Rimmer" has huge white hair, "Kryten" is half-human, "Lister" doesn't have dreadlocks, and "Cat" has an overbite so big Druids could use his teeth as a place of worship.
An attendant, in between calling them "twonks" a couple of times, tells them that they missed a whole lot of stuff in the game (including a planet of nymphomaniacs, and Lister finally getting Kochanski), which is why they only scored four percent. The person who played Rimmer was even laughed at for playing a "prat" version of Rimmer for four years...there apparently was a secret message in the dot of the "i" of Rimmer's swimming certificate that explained that Rimmer was actually a special agent for the Space Corps that had his memory erased and was programmed to act like a complete twonk, so that he could guide Lister to his destiny of creator of the second universe. The next group of four Red Dwarf players come in and plug themselves into the machines, prompting our boys to leave.
Down the recouperation lounge, the boys are less than pleased. A nurse points them to their person effects. "Cat" is actually named Duane Dibbley, and his personal belongings include an anorak, plastic sandals, and a key to the Salvation Army hostel. "Kryten"'s real name is Jake Bullet and he is a detective in the Cybernautics division of the police. A bag for a Billy Doyle turns out to be "Rimmer"'s--it contains a stained trenchcoat that smells, as "Lister" put it, "as though an elderly male yak had taken a leak in both the pockets." "Lister" is the most surprised--his personal effects are really expensive, he has a limo in the long-term car park, and he works for a company called "C.G.I.". His name is Sebastian Doyle...and, as Jake points out, Billy's half-brother.
The boys quit the building although their memories haven't returned, and find Sebastian's car. They see posters advertising "Vote Fascist for a Third Glorious Decade of Total Law Enforcement" and "Become a Government Informer: Betray Your Family and Friends, Fabulous Prizes to be Won!" A little girl runs by them clutching an apple; a man holding a gun calls for her to halt or he'll shoot. Jake lets the girl go, and refuses to let Billy run away. The man accuses them of aiding and abetting, and sentences them to death. Lister comes out of the shadows, and the man is stunned, and apologizes. It turns out that Sebastian is a section chief of C.G.I., Head of the Ministry of Alterations...and that nobody has done more to purge the ballot-boxes than he. The girl reappears, and a gun is fired...and the man falls down dead. Jake lowers his gun.
The scene flashes back to Kryten, Lister, Cat, and Rimmer standing in Starbug; Kryten is holding a now-empty crossbow. Flashback to the boys in the parking lot. Kryten can't believe he killed someone. Flashback to Starbug again, where the boys appear to be running around in the middle of a hallucination. Sitting on crates instead of in a car, they think they are in the middle of a high-speed chase with the fascist police. The boys go to dump the limo and run into an alley. We hear Holly telling them that they are hallucinating, but they cannot hear.
Kryten/Jake tries to shoot himself in the head, but the gun/crossbow is not loaded. To him, it is fundamental that he never take a life, so he must now terminate himself. Rimmer/Billy wants the gun next, because his life seems to be a total mess. Lister/Sebastian and Cat/Duane agree. Since there is only one bullet left, the boys put their heads together so the bullet/arrow can go down the line. Holly broadcasts on a higher frequency, and Kryten hears her. She prompts him to walk forward and twist the release wheel on a fire extinguisher, which he does. They line up again, and just as they are about to fire, Holly's messages gets through. The boys come out of their hallucination (that was brought on by the now-dead Dispair Squid--Holly blew it up with mines), and realize that they were about to commit suicide! They were saved only by Kryten twisting the release wheel on the fire extinguisher, which was actually a container of lithium carbonate! Kryten figures out that the hallucination was meant to attack the one thing that each held quintessential to their personality: Lister, who believed himself to be a man of moral courage, was actually a mass murderer in a totalitarian state; Rimmer could no longer blame his shortcomings on his parents, because he shared an upbringing with his richer, more important half-brother; Cat lost his cool and life became meaningless to him, because, as Kryten put it, he is "so mind-meltingly shallow." And Kryten had taken a human life.
The boys blast away, pondering the wisdom of playing god and forcing evolution ahead...
Episode Quote: "We've got to learn more about ourselves. I refuse to believe I'm his alkie-dropout yak-coat-wearing half-brother."
Demons and Angels
Kryten and Lister piece together a triplicator from old experiments found in the labs. They can actually create two more of any object they put in the triplicator--strawberries, for example. But something went strange--the triplicator takes all the best elements of the original and puts it into one copy, and all the worst into the second copy. So one strawberry will be divine and succulent, and the other will be wormy and rotten. However, they all look alike on the outside.
When Lister experiments what would happen in reverse, there is an explosion and sirens go off--Red Dwarf is only a few seconds from meltdown! They boys head out to Starbug and wait for the Dwarf to settle down. Unfortunately, it blows up. Instead there appears two identical copies of Red Dwarf! Apparently Lister had thrown the beam into reverse instead of the fields, so instead of copying the strawberries, it copied the entire ship. The power drain caused the original Dwarf to blow. So now, there are two Dwarfs--one divine, and the other fish bait, and they have no idea how to tell one from the other. However, Kryten postulates that there is probably a working triplicator on the better of the two ships, so they should check it out. And quickly, because the copies of strawberries Lister and Kryten made lasted only an hour.
Fortunately the boys land on the High ship first (which has wonderful air, music, and food--Lister even finds the Pot Noodles delicious), and are greeted by their counterparts. Their counterparts are highly intelligent, and enjoy spending their time discussing philosophy and metaphysics, and musing on the inner soul. The boys quickly find the triplicator, but it only has half the necessary parts! The other half must be on the Low ship.
A distress call from the Low ship prompts everyone into action, bringing food and medical supplies to the second Dwarf. They are attacked, however, and Kryten and Cat's counterparts were killed. Lister is kidnapped by the Lows--a gross, dirty, rotten doppleganger of himself, a cross-dressing version of Rimmer complete with painful holowhip, a double-eyebrowed, hugely fanged Cat, and a oily, jerky-limbed Kryten. They implant Lister with a device that allows them to control his actions, so they can kill off everybody else and take over the other Dwarf, where everything works. Lister is forced to stab his own counterpart as well as Rimmer's, and goes off in search of everybody else.
Meanwhile Kryten and Cat find the other half of the triplicator and prepare to head out, but a murderous Lister comes after them with an axe and then a bazookoid! Kryten chloroforms Lister, and they head back to Starbug. As they are taking off, Lister wakes up and starts smashing the controls--Kryten find the implant and throws it into the aft. The other two Dwarfs disappear and the boys re-create the real Dwarf, much to their relief. They head home, but Lister sits on the implant and goes after Cat! This shouldn't be happening...until an obnoxious giggle prompts Cat to shoot a bazookoid into the cabinet. Lister's (now dead) doppleganger had hidden in Starbug! The boys head back home, without further mishap...
Episode Quote: "I'm going to lash you to within an inch of you life. And then...I'm going to have you."
Holoship
We all know that Rimmer doesn't have an ounce of romance or selflessness in his body--he finds a movie where the hero gives up his job for the sake of the heroine, particularly since neither man nor woman will ever see each other again, complete tripe. We also know he is a sad git whom nobody likes. And failing his Astronavigation Exam 11 times is enough to make anybody bitter.
The Dwarf is hit by a zero-mass entity that spirits Rimmer away. Rimmer ends up on a strange ship where he can touch things! Nirvanah Crane, who greets him as he is brought aboard, explains. This is a holoship, which is peopled by the hologrammic cream of the Space Corps. Their job is to do research in the far reaches of the galaxy.
Crane goes on to explain the social interaction of the crew as well: the notion of family had been long abandoned, because it was proven that parents are the causes of all emotional hangups. This makes Rimmer happy, since he blames his parents for his failures and neuroses. When Rimmer and Crane pass by a sex deck while on the lift, Crane explains that each member of the crew must have sex at least twice a day as a health regulation. And to refuse an invitation of sexual coupling is considered incredibly rude. She also states that all the crew have evolved beyond emotions, particularly love. All that is important is sex--constant, guilt-free sex.
Rimmer meets the captain, Hercule Platini, and immediately asks to join the crew. The Captain informs Rimmer that they have no openings, and the only way in is "dead man's boots"--Rimmer would have to challenge an existing member of the crew for his or her place. If Rimmer wins, his opponent's run-time would be terminated; if he loses, he must return to the Dwarf. Rimmer accepts the challenge, and the computer pairs him with an opponent.
Meanwhile, Starbug is visited by a member of the Holoship, who gives a not-so-nice appraisal of the ship and everyone on it. Lister manages to scare him away by threatening him with a holowhip, and they are left alone.
Back on the Holoship, Crane is finishing up Rimmer's tour of the ship. She then invites Rimmer back to her quarters to have sex. Rimmer readily agrees. The sex was apparently incredible--and it is more than a little obvious that no matter what Crane might say to the contrary, there is certainly something going on between them. Rimmer leaves, and Crane is informed that she is to be Rimmer's opponent for his position on the ship.
Rimmer returns to the Dwarf ecstatic, and with a crazy idea--mind patching. Although it is illegal and dangerous, Rimmer insists that Kryten patch the minds of two of the most brilliant members of the Dwarf's deceased crew into his own mind, in an effort to beat his anonymous opponent. The mind patch works, until Rimmer is part way through the test--his mind rejects the implants. He runs off the Holoship, and informs the Dwarfers that he will forfeit. He is greeted by the site of his crewmates interviewing new holograms for his position (why they didn't just start up Kochanski's is unknown). Rimmer is hurt, and has lost his chance of ever being a whole person again, in a place where he can touch things and be important.
On his way back to tell Platini of his withdrawal, he meets Crane again, who promises that he will win, and that he cannot give up. Rimmer reluctantly agrees.
Rimmer returns to the Dwarf and informs the crew that he won...his opponent had forfeited. He says his goodbyes, and, when shown to his quarters on the holoship, realizes that these are Crane's quarters, and that she was his opponent!
Rimmer reports to the bridge for his first day on duty, but requests permission to speak freely. He tells the captain that he cannot stay on the ship, because Crane had taken leave of her senses and fallen in love with him. That is why she had given up her position on the ship. So now, the man who is the antithesis of romance leaves a letter for her with the captain and leaves the world of his dreams, for the sake of the woman he loves...
Episode Quote: "You make love like a Japanese meal. Small portions, but so many courses."
Quarantine
Probably THE funniest post-series-two-episode of Red Dwarf! Starbug lands on a planet where a Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom was doing viral research. According the scan, she is still alive, albeit a hologram; and Kryten must commandeer Rimmer's remote projection unit (as per Space Corps directives) in order to rescue her. Rimmer, you can imagine, is less than happy. To prove the truth to him, Kryten has Rimmer furnished with a hologrammic copy of the Space Corps Directive manual for him to study on his way back to the Dwarf.
The boys search for survivors, and find one--an insane Lanstrom who has hex vision (laser beams shoot out of her eyes), telepathy, telekenesis, and who is trying to murder them! After radioing back their troubles to the now-gloating Rimmer (he loves it when people who have wronged him get into trouble), Lanstrom herself gets on the radio with Rimmer and sends a spark of some kind over the radio waves. Kryten, Cat, and Lister find a safe spot, and Kryten explains that she must have contracted some kind of holo-virus during her research, that stimulated the dormant areas of the human brain and gave her these powers. Lanstrom finds them, but dissolves--all the energy it took for her to use her powers finally was used up. Kryten informs Cat and Lister that although she was insane, she was also brilliant, and isolated several strains of "positive virus". These include viruses for sexual magnetism and luck. Kryten brought them back for further study. So the boys head back to the Dwarf...
Where Rimmer has locked out all the landing bays but Bay 47...a quarantine bay! Rimmer informs them that, since he doesn't want to contract the holovirus, Lister, Cat, and Kryten must spend the next three months in quarantine...and uses Space Corps directives to back up his decision! They are shuffled and locked into a single-berth quarantine suite with no entertainment with a wallpapering video and a crochet magazine, again in accordance with Space Corps Directives (they state one birth per registered crew member, and Lister was the only one who fit the requirements). The boys swear that they will not give Rimmer the pleasure of watching them argue in their close quarters, but it is a promise soon forgotten.
Five days later, Kryten remembers that also in accordance with Space Corps directives, they have the right to a re-screening after five days, and if they show no signs of the virus, they can be set free! Rimmer interrupts them...wearing a red and white checked gingham dress, army boots, and yellow pigtails, In the conversation that followed it is quite clear that Rimmer is insane! This opinion is reinforced when Rimmer shuts off the oxygen in the quarantine suite. Now Kryten, Lister, and Cat have just a few minutes before the air becomes unbreathable! After giving Lister a shot of Lanstrom's luck virus, they crack the code on the door lock and escape...only to be intercepted by Rimmer and a penguin hand puppet named Mr. Flibble! Rimmer shoots at them with his hex vision, but they run away; he uses his telekenesis to bury a fire axe in Kryten's spine. But Rimmer finds them again and bestows his hex vision on Mr. Flibble as well--and they both go after the boys! Then Kryten has an idea--they can use Lister's luck to find a remote projection unit that can shut Rimmer down before he either finds them and kills them, or disintegrates from the virus. Which of course they do in the nick of time, just as Rimmer and Mr. Flibble have cornered them. Rimmer collapses, and Mr. Flibble suffers his final death throes...
Episode Quote: "Mr. Flibble is very cross. You shouldn't have run away from him. What shall we do with them, Mr. Flibble?....We can't possibly do that. Who'd clear up the mess?"
Inquisitor
While traveling in Starbug, Lister's body is taken over by somebody calling himself the Inquisitor, who orders them back to Red Dwarf and present a case to justify their existences. The Inquisitor takes control of Starbug; the boys have no choice.
Kryten explains. The Inquisitor, up till now, was only a horror tale. It described a self-repairing simulant who existed to the end of time, decided there was no god or afterlife, and concluded that the only purpose for existence is to lead a worthwhile life. So he constructed a time machine and went back in time, visiting every single soul in history, and judging them. Those who wasted their lives, those who were worthless, those who were egocentric, vain, and self-serving, were killed and replaced with another who never had a chance--a different sperm-egg combination.
And so the boys go in for their assessment. As it turns out, the Inquisitor has the ability to become whomever he wants, so each person is judged by their own self. When all is finished, the boys are informed that two failed to meet the criteria--Kryten and Lister. They, the Inquisitor told them, could easily have been so much more then they were, and so had wasted their gift of life. It would be given to another. After they are chained together, surgically removed from history and are about to be deleted by the Inquisitor's gauntlet (which has these amazing powers), another Kryten appears from nowhere with a second gauntlet, turns it into a chainsaw, and cuts off the Inquisitor's gauntleted hand and throws it to Lister! Future Kryten informs them that they must decode the gauntlet's controls. Of course, future Kryten is killed by the Inquisitor, but it gives Lister and our Kryten a chance to escape.
They try to open doors, but Holly doesn't recognize Kryten and Lister's I.D.'s; Kryten reminds Lister they no longer exist! They are labeled intruders, attacked by tear gas, and then are met by four people blazing bazookoids--Rimmer, Cat...and the alternative Lister and Kryten! They are captured and escorted to the brig. On the way, the Inquisitor intercepts them...and kills the alternative Lister and Kryten in trying to get to the originals. Our Kryten and Lister find a sanctuary in order to try to figure out the gauntlet. Kryten manages to age the chains binding them to dust, and then they head out to defeat the Inquisitor, aided by Rimmer and Cat who have decided to throw their lot in with the lesser of two evils.
They confront the Inquisitor; Rimmer and Cat are killed, but Lister manages to freeze the Inquisitor using the gauntlet the future Kryten gave them.. Kryten takes Lister's gauntlet, re-programs it, takes the Inquisitor's gauntlet and sets it to take him back to where his future (now present) self gives them the gauntlet. He disappears, and Lister is left alone with the frozen Inquisitor. Lister tricks the Inquisitor when he is unfrozen and gets him to put on the gauntlet...on which the controls have been reversed. So when the Inquisitor tries to remove Lister from time...he himself is removed and then deleted, and all is well. Kryten, Rimmer, and Cat reappear...and the universe is restored.
Episode Quote: "What else could I have been? My father was a half-crazed military failure, my mother was a bitch-queen from hell. My brothers had all the looks and talent. What did I have? Unmanageable hair and ingrowing toenails. Yes, I admit I'm nothing. But from what I started with, nothing is up."
Terrorform
The show opens with a shot of Kryten in obvious distress--he is damaged and surrounded by debris. He pulls off an eyeball, unscrews his hand, and makes a little creature that he orders to get back to the Dwarf and get help. When it does meet up with the Dwarf, Lister mistakes it for a gigantic tarantula; it crawls up his leg to get the computer console. It then types in a message requesting help; Lister and Cat rescue Kryten from the wreck.
After Lister repairs Kryten, Kryten explains that the moon he and Rimmer had landed on all of a sudden errupted into earthquakes; when they get to the moon, it looks much different then when Kryten had been there. Kryten realizes that this is an artificial planetoid that was designed to adapt its terrain to the mental state of whomever was on it. And it had used Rimmer's mind as a template. Which is more than a little cause for worry, considering the neurotic mess Rimmer's head is. Plus, on this planet he helped create, Rimmer will have an effective physical presence and any danger he is in will be very real indeed. Despite this, the Dwarfers head out to rescue their crewmate.
Rimmer, meanwhile, has been kidnapped. He is chained to the wall, stripped nearly naked, and oiled by two women for the amusement of the elusive "Master," who is now coming for him.
In the meantime, Kryten, Cat, and Lister are discovering metaphors--graves labeled "Self-respect: Died Age 24", "Generosity: Died Age Nine" and "Honor: Gone but Not Forgotten, Died Age Twelve. There are also frogs that say "useless" and leeches with Rimmer's mom's face. There is one thing, however, that causes the Dwarfers to worry--a freshly dug, unfilled grave that reads "Hope." They must find Rimmer in a hurry!
The Master (also referred to as "The Unspeakable One") visits Rimmer. He is green, insults Rimmer horribly, and has a semi-familiar voice. It introduces itself as Rimmer's self-loathing, and blames Rimmer for its existence. Just as it is about to brand Rimmer with a hot iron, the Dwarfers intercede. The bazookoids don't do anything, but when Rimmer learns that Kryten, Cat, and Lister would be willing to put their own lives in danger to save him, the Unspeakable One disappears.
Rimmer is informed that this whole planet is an incarnation of his own mind's landscape; that his neuroses are made solid here. Rimmer can't believe it--he doesn't loathe himself! He has no reason to. So Kryten gives Rimmer a short list of what there is to hate about himself...when they try to take off in Starbug, they find that the Bug is stuck in Quicksand! The voice of the Unspeakable One, which sounds a heckuva lot like Rimmer's, demands that Rimmer be given up or they will all be destroyed. Kryten realizes that the only way to battle the hordes of darkness that live in Rimmer's mind is to make him feel loved: so an all-out effort by the rest of the crew, which includes hugs, referring to Rimmer as "Big Man", and even going so far as to tell Rimmer that they love him, resurrects Rimmer's dead qualities, and they battle his neuroses! Starbug is able to take off, and the boys fly up to the small rouge one...
Episode Quote: "Have you any idea what kind of day I've had? I've been kidnapped, stripped, oiled, menaced, manacled, licked, nibbled, chained, tortured, humiliated, and I nearly had a knobbly thing the size and shape of a Mexican agabe cactus jammed up where only customs men dare to probe."