Tikka to Ride
The crew's altercation with their future selves has left the timelines in a flux. All of the curry and lager supplies were destroyed, leaving Lister distraught. As they are at the point before they discovered the Time Drive (but for some reason retain memories of it), Lister suggests they go back, pick up the Time Drive, go back in time, and place a huge carry-out order for 500 curries. Kryten of course nixes that--any action they might take in the past would have trillions of implications. Besides which, there is also the possibility of becoming their hedonistic future selves (see Out of Time for details). However Lister, intent on getting curries, steals Kryten's body while his head is emptying itself of unneeded files. He replaces Kryten's head with Spare Head Two, and, after removing his guilt chip and behavior protocols, talks him into giving the OK for a 23rd century curry hunt.
So the crew heads back to the derelict and takes the Time Drive--but strangely-acting Spare Head Two, unfamiliar with the Drive (which now resembles the matter transporter from Meltdown in both appearance and ability to transverse space, which the original Time Drive was unable to do) accidentally takes the crew back to the fifth floor of a book depository in Dallas, Texas on November 22, 1963: just in time to foil Lee Harvey Oswald's assassination of President Kennedy. When they are caught by police, Kryten prods them forward three years. The city is now deserted. After reading a newspaper, Kryten explains what happened: Kennedy was impeached in 1964 for sharing a mistress with a Mob boss, and J. Edgar Hoover was elected as president. Hoover was controlled by the Mafia and, in return for cocaine trafficking, allowed Cuba to build a nuclear missile base. Terrified, people fled from major cities. Kryten also discovers that Starbug no longer exists--he postulates that the United States' internal troubles allowed Russia to win the Space Race. Not only that, but the Time Drive is frozen and they are stuck! Lister fesses up to Cat and Rimmer, and they are less than pleased--but they still need to find a way to fix things.
After the Time Drive unfroze itself, the crew goes back to 1963 and trick Oswald into shooting from the sixth floor: but that makes the shot too steep, and Oswald misses. Then Lister has a brilliant plan--if they could get a second gunman to shoot from behind the grassy knoll, the shot would be perfect. So Lister takes the Time Drive to Idlewild Airport 1965 and talks former President Kennedy into assassinating himself for the good of the nation and his reputation. So behind the grassy knoll, in a police officer's uniform, drinking a bottle of Coke, John Fitzgerald Kennedy takes a high-powered rifle, fires, and disappears into oblivion...setting the United States on its former path, and insuring his reputation throughout history.
Episode Quote: "What is wrong with you? You don't smoke, you never say 'bet your ass', and you never use your groinal attachment to stir anybody's tea!"
Stoke Me a Clipper
After a daring but dangerously close rescue, Ace Rimmer takes refuge in our Dwarf's dimension. Getting Rimmer alone, he tells Rimmer that he, Ace Rimmer, is dying, and wants Arnie to take his place. He is not the original Ace Rimmer. He is a hard-light hologram, just like Arnie. His light bee was irrevocably damaged and he is on his way out. Ace explains to Arnie that as each Ace dies, he recruits his replacement from a nearby dimension, because the universe needs a hero. Rimmer refuses, believing himself not good enough. Ace confides in Lister, hoping Lister can convince Arnie to undertake his Ace training--Ace has only 12 hours or so left before he dies. Arnie agrees.
The training is terribly difficult, and Arnie becomes discouraged. Finally Ace tells him that if he can convince his crewmates he is really Ace, he will know he is ready. Using a light-bee remote, he changes Arnie's clothes and removes the "H". He pulls off his wig and hands it to Arnie, along with his glasses. So Arnie wanders around the ship, trying to get into character without letting anyone know he is not really Ace. But out of the AR suite steps a man in armor from one of Lister's role-playing simulations, challenging Arnie to a duel. Arnie fights, grabs a bazookoid, and blasts him. He is so thrilled he had the courage to stand up to and kill the knight, he runs away happily. When he leaves, the knight stands up, removes the blank cartridges from the bazookoid, replaces it with a live cartridge, and takes off his helmet to reveal...Lister.
Arnie, running to tell Ace the good news, gets there just in time to say his goodbyes to our hero. Ace disappears and dies. The other crew members run in to find a man dressed as Ace sitting at Rimmer's bunk, with a dead light bee lying on the bed. Lister explains that Arnie was killed by a knight escaping from the AR machine. So Cat and Kryten are led to believe that Rimmer is dead, and this man is actually Ace Rimmer. The Dwarfers hold a eulogy and funeral for Rimmer, bestowing upon him the rank of "First Officer." They follow the beacon Ace left behind for his coffin, which leads to the resting place of all the other Ace Rimmers. Lister and Arnie discover that there have been so many Aces the number of coffins have formed a large ring around a planet. Convinced of his destiny, Arnie says his goodbyes and takes off in the Dimension Jumper for adventure...
Episode Quote: "You can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine."
Oroboros
The episode opens in the Aigburth Arms pub, Liverpool. A box with the word "Oroboros" written on the side is pushed underneath one of the pool tables. It is found by a customer, and contains a baby. He is fussed over by the customer and a barmaid, and they wonder what will become of him...
Back on Starbug, three million and change years into the future, Lister is pulling out nose hairs with a pair of salad tongs. This causes him to sneeze so violently he loses a tooth cap, which Kryten glues back on temporarily with wood glue (at Lister's insistence) Krtyen then gives Lister a pair of fuzzy bunny slippers and a frilly pink dressing-gown he found to try on before he makes the necessary alterations. Lister then manages to get a box of dental floss attached to his face, thanks to the not-yet-dry wood glue. Just then, Cat runs in with news--there's some sort of thing out in space. That something turns out to be a rip in the fabric of space-time. Entering into it, Cat, Kryten, and Lister come upon...alternate versions of themselves...except Lister is a hologram! Our Lister learns that in this alternate dimension, he was wiped out in the radiation leak that killed the others, because Kochanski took the blame for Frankenstein, Lister's pet cat. So Kochanski was put into stasis, not Dave, which meant...
Kochanski is still alive. She walks into the temporal rift and greets our Dave, who is certainly blown away. The two crews agree to exchange supplies, but Kochanski has a special request of Lister. She asks him for a sperm sample so she can have children someday. She and her Dave were together at last, and in love. As she hands Lister the in-vitro tube that contains her contribution, there is an explosion and temporal rift begins to collapse! Kryten realizes through that handy psi-scan of his that GELFs are attacking them! Kochanski falls into a rip of non-space, and is saved only by grabbing onto the dental floss still attached to Lister's face, and is carried to the wrong Starbug...
Kochanski wakes up in the Medibay, and, after realizing she is snogging the wrong Lister, immediately gets up and sets to work rescuing Starbug from the attacking GELFs. It turns out Lister's GELF bride from Polymorph: Emohawk II is still chasing after him. Using some fancy manuevers, Kochanski gets them away and, with the help of a terribly jealous Kryten (he is terrified she will take Lister away from him), sets up a new linkway with her universe. Lister gives her the filled in-vitro tube, and says goodbye. She hands him a phone that might be able to communicate trans-dimensional, promises to tell the baby all about him, and leaves.
Back on our Starbug, the crew starts to unpack the supplies from Kochanski's ship. One of the boxes has a picture of a snake eating its own tail. Kryten explains that that is a symbol for infinity, and it is called Oroboros. Lister starts! He realizes that the baby he and Kochanski and have will be him, and they will go back in time and leave him under the pool table, so that humanity can never end. As long as Lister is alive, the human race will continue for all eternity. They must have written "oroboros" on the box to explain! Lister runs after Kochanski to get the tube, but they are again attacked by the GELFs and the timeway rips, leaving Kochanski on the wrong side again! Determined not to be left behind, she takes a running start, and leaps for her own dimension...to miss by inches as it whorls away. As she falls into infinity, she contacts Lister via the inter-dimensional communicator and says she'll stay if he'll save her life. So he grabs a crossbow and some rope from Starbug, shoots her in the leg (by accident), and hauls her up. She comes to in the medibay, and immediately gets up to start re-establishing the linkway.
Back at the Aigburth Arms, Lister appears carrying a box with the word "Oroboros" written on the side. Lister says goodbye to himself, and pushes the box under the pool table...
Episode Quote: "I'm my own father... and Kris is my ex-girlfriend and me mum!"
Duct Soup
Kochanski is not having an easy time of adjusting to her new home. The thermo settings are wild, there's no cottage cheese with pinapple chunks in, there are sneakers in the fridge, no bathtubs, and the noisy pipes in her room "squelukal" when they should "nureeek". And Kryten is less than sympathetic--even after he accidentally shrinks her only set of spare clothes. But Lister is determined to help--he creates a makeshift bathtub, gives her a present of clothing and makeup he found in a derelict, and gives her his quarters for the night until they can fix the pipes in hers. When Kryten finds out, he has a flash of insight--Lister will abandon him for Kochanski if he doesn't put a stop to their relationship right now! So he blames Lister for Kochanski's shrunken uniform. That doesn't phase her--all she wants is a bath and some sleep. Kryten stalks out, and Lister takes his leave--and then there is an explosion and the ship rocks! Kryten rushes in and says that something overloaded when he tried to adjust the thermo-settings. The backup power kicks in, flickers, and dies. The ship is dead, the doors are locked down, and they are simply floating through space. They have to re-fire the backup generator, but in order to do so they must crawl through miles of service ducts. So they climb into Lister's shower and begin finding their way...
Until Lister has an attack of claustrophobia. Kochanski and Cat take turns trying to distract him while they find a room to drop into. While Kochanski and Kryten attempt to unscrew one of the vents, Cat beings to hear a watery kind of roaring noise. Lister realizes that every four hours the recyc water floods the vents--and its time! He and Cat scramble, and manage to hide before they are pummeled. That is, until the drying vents take over and blow Cat and Lister down the vent into Kochanski and Cat, who have found a supply room to drop into. They give Lister a sedative, and head on...
The crew notice that it is getting hotter, not colder as it should be if all the power was out and the heaters weren't working. Well, as it turns out, Starbug must have been jogged off course and is now heading into a nearby star. Kryten is overtaken by guilt and explains this is all his fault--he adjusted the thermo settings to overload to keep Kochanski from having a bath and eventually taking Lister away from him! Of course, nobody was very happy. So to cut down on time, the gang waits until water recyc hits again, and ride the wave of water down the duct into the engine room, drop down, and realize they are in Lister's quarters! Kryten turned the map upside down halfway through the trip! When all hope seems lost, and Starbug has almost reached the star, Kryten guiltily informs them that he'd excluded the doors from the shutdown...just in case. So they'd been crawling through the vents all night for no reason whatsoever! A disgruntled Lister and Cat race into the cockpit, leaving Kochanski and a heavy metal spanner alone with Kryten...
Episode Quote: "Where did it all go wrong? My life started off so promisingly. Rich parents, good school, pony named Trumper. How did I end up like this...on a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry."
Blue
This is the second funniest Red Dwarf episode ever, after Parallel Universe!
Kryten is becoming more and more annoyed with Miss Kochanski. Not only has all of her frilly underthings created a huge extra washload, not only does she dry her tights on the radiator, NOT ONLY does he have to learn all sorts of new female terminology, but, after all the months Kryten spent training the crew to put the salad cream (Americans, read: salad dressing) back in the fridge, it is all of a sudden winding up in the cupboard again! Fortunately, she managed to get another linkway to her dimension, so she will be gone the next day. Lister is more than a little disappointed, of course. He will miss her.
While heading towards the linkway, directly in Starbug's path is a comet. Rather than go around the comet (the safe and sensible thing to do) Lister decides to take Starbug THROUGH it, which nearly tears the ship to pieces and prevents Kochanski from getting to the linkway in time. According to the computer, the thrusters didn't work properly because the ship is too heavy, so Lister and Cat (whom Lister mistakenly calls "Rimmer") head down to the cargo decks to see what they can jettison. But when we get down there, Lister won't allow any of Rimmer's old belongings to be thrown out--they have too many fond memories attached to them. Golf games, the Locker Room game, even Rimmer's shoe trees make Lister smile. Cat is of course confused beyond belief--Rimmer was nothing but a cowardly nuisance!
Later that day, while he is alone in Starbug's cockpit, Lister is surprised when Rimmer materializes! He tells Lister how much he misses him...and starts asking about Kochanski. Lister informs him that Kochanski is "all right", but she's nothing compared to Rimmer. Overcome by emotion, Lister and Rimmer fall into each other's arms, and, after whispering each other's name lovingly, look deep into each others' eyes, and kiss passionately...
Until Lister, with a scream, falls out of his bunk! He'd been having a dream. Distraught, he seeks Kryten's help. Kryten suggests hypnotherapy. As he leaves for the correct program, Kochanski walks in, and, after letting Lister express his feelings and talking to him sensibly, helps Lister feel better. Of course Kryten is mad Lister doesn't need his help anymore, so he comes up with a cunning plan...
Calling the others into the AR suite, Krtyen runs a program designed to call attention to each and every one of Rimmer's quirks, annoying habits, and self-centered actions. It is a celebration of everything Rimmer, including a full song-and-dance number by Munchkin Rimmers! By the end, Lister has no desire to think fondly upon Rimmer again.
Episode Quote: "Well, when I cleaned up my cache files, sir, I erased my lingerie database. I didn't see there's be much call for it, unless we had a fancy dress party, and you wanted to go as Hermann Goering."
Beyond a Joke
Kochanski is certainly not anywhere near Kryten's good side. Rather than partake of his celebratory anniversary dinner, complete with lobster, Cat and Lister join Kochanski in the AR simulation of "Jane Austin World". He's so annoyed he tries to take out each of the Bennett sisters in "Pride and Prejudice Land" so the boys will leave; when that doesn't work, he borrows a tank from the WWII game and blows Mr. Bingley's gazebo (and Mrs. Bennett) out of the water!
So the crew sits down to eat Kryten's overcooked anniversary dinner. Which, although tense, might have been passable, had Lister not asked for ketchup to go with his lobster. Kryten is so enraged by Lister's request, his head explodes! So Lister and Kochanski get one of Kryten's spare heads, and that explodes too. So does every spare head Kryten has. They are only able to save his RAM chips, so his memory is intact. The crew logs onto the Divadroid mainframe to try to locate a spare head. Fortunately they do. But when they get to the derelict, they find it is inhabited by rogue Simulants! And although the heads they find are intact, they have no primers, so the heads themselves are useless. Then Kochanski has a brilliant idea.
Kochanski and Cat get back to Starbug and dress up in GELF suits--for although Simulants hate humanoids, they don't hate GELFs! Posing as a GELF couple, Kochanksi and Cat take Lister on board the Simulant-infested vessel as their property. They strike a deal with the Sim (after Cat slips up and starts talking human language rather than the GELF language they were approximating): he'll flip a coin. Tails, they get the heads and primers, heads, he keeps Lister. Fortunately he flips tails, and, after drinking a toast to the Simulants, gives the crew the mech heads and primers.
But when they get back to Starbug, the crew finds their ship ransacked--and worse, Kryten's body is missing! Now they have to find a way to rescue Kryten's body and RAM chips...
On board the Simulant vessel, a mech that looks a lot like Kryten but with the IQ of a glass of water is given Kryten's body to repair. Once Kryten is given a head and reinstated, we learn that the Mech (named Abel) has the same motherboard as our Kryten--they are brothers, more or less. However, Abel is addicted to the chemical Ultrazone, which is highly addictive and corrupts mech's circuitboards. Kryten is not happy.
Back on board Starbug, the remaining crew learns that the Sim ship can travel a lot faster than they, and Starbug has no chance of catching up. But Kochanski has a plan. She tricks the Sims into believing they planted a bomb on board. The Sim, a GELF, Abel, and Kryten beam on board.
Epideme
When Starbug begins to run out of water, Kryten suggests looking for an astro-glacier. The first such glacier however, hides a derelict Jupiter Mining Corporation ship with one female survivor, frozen. Taking the survivor back to Starbug, they are unable to thaw her. However, during the night, the survivor emerges from her ice cocoon and make's her way to Lister's bed. Assuming that he has finally made Christine succumb to his charms, he is alarmed to discover he is snogging the rotting corpse of the fully thawed survivor! After his kiss of death, Lister collapses and is diagnosed as having contracted to Epideme virus. An sentient virus, that kills its host in 48 hours, and then uses the dead body to seek out its next victim! Lister's only hope is to trap the virus in his left arm and have it amputated. However, their is a slight problem during the operation and Lister looses his right arm - the arm he did all his favourite things with.
Episode Quote:
"That's your idea of seduction, is it? Well forget it, Lister! Not if you were the
last man alive!" - Kochasnki
"But I am the last man alive." - Lister
"I rest my case." - Kochasnki
Nanarchy
In a vain attempt to cheer up the one-armed Lister, his crew mates try to list all the famous one-armed figures, but fail miserably. Kryten builds Lister an artificial arm, but it would take him a whole morning to lift one ball! A ray of light is offered when Christine suggests using Krytens' "nanobots" - microscopic robots that mechanoids have as a self-repair system - could reengineer an arm for Lister. Unfortunately, Kryten lost his after the incident on the Esperanto, but Lister will not give up hope and sets a course back to the water world. Before reaching this planet, Starbug encounters a strange planetoid, which according to the scanners is Red Dwarf! Could it really be - of course not! They do recover some objects, including a remote link with Holly. The senile computer begins to tell the chilling tale of how the nanobots mutineered, took over Red Dwarf and recreated it in a size more appropriate for them - a microscopic Red Dwarf. A Red Dwarf so small it could hide anywhere - including Lister's laundry basket!
Episode Quote: "Unbelievable. Dumped on a planet in the middle of an electro-storm and left to rot for hundreds of years, and the guy's lost nothing."